Vegetables, or should I say, “nature’s punishment,” are very likely the worst things we encounter on a daily basis. Kids are experts when it comes to pointing out everything wrong with these abominations. “Their vibrant colors hurt our eyes, the sounds they make when we bite into them are grating on our ears, there are too many different kinds to choose from,” they will cry. And you know something, they’re absolutely right. The list is practically never ending. Here are but five of the endless reasons your children should not be subjected to nature’s tormentors.
1. Veggies are too colorful
In my opinion, food should only be one color: beige. Who needs a truly triumphant mixture of rainbow magic when you can have a soggy pile of delicious off-white foodstuffs? Why would they want to bite into a full spectrum of colors, from the deep red of tomatoes to the royal purple of eggplants? Do you want to set your children up for a life of being blinded by their plates?
2. Veggies taste too fresh
The crisp freshness of vegetables can only be described in one word: offensive. When I bite into my food, I expect it to fall apart in my hands and taste like a salt lick. Why would your kids want something that tastes like it was handed over from the gods of Olympus themselves when you can give them something that, if left on a countertop, will look the same twenty years from now?
3. Veggies are too versatile
When I read recipes involving vegetables, I see an almost limitless amount of ways to cook them. Sauté, grill, bake, roast, steam, etc., etc. That’s way too many options. And you can even eat them raw? Make up your mind, vegetables! How will our children ever learn to be decisive when there are far too many ways to prepare and eat them?
4. Veggies are too convenient
Not only can you roll up to a grocery store and buy them for cheaper than you would buy packaged foods, but you can get them FROM THE GROUND? And you can grow them yourself? That’s too easy, and way too natural. Soon kids will be throwing everything into the dirt in the hopes that it will transform into something they can eat. That’s basically setting them up to be eternally disappointed.
5. There are too many different kinds of veggies
One quick internet search tells me that there are virtually hundreds of different kinds of vegetables to choose from. Leafy greens, root vegetables, beans, the list goes on for basically eternity. Kids can’t count that high! You know what number I like? Three. It includes all of the food groups of burgers, fries, and a soda. It’s the trifecta of sugary, salty, cardboard-tasting goodness. Why confuse kids with variety?
Basically, vegetables should be avoided at all costs because there are too many different ways to acquire, prepare, and enjoy them. Kids have been right all along, vegetables are no good.
At Vega, we love good old fashioned sarcastic fun almost as much as we love veggies.